Upside down

Well I've said goodbye to Latin America, for the timebeing, and hello to the Empire. For the first time since July I'm a subject of Her Majesty again and have been celebrating by gorging on Masterchef Goes Large, The Apprentice, Coronation Street, The Catherine Tate Show, and a litany of programmes featuring Martin Clunes, Robbie Coltrane or Jennifer Saunders.

It's a beautiful day, I'm in the adventure sports capital of the world, but today I think I'll watch some cricket on TV. It really is just like being at home. But cleaner, friendlier and quieter. The only downside is trying to understand what people say.

Anyway after five months in Latin America I should really have something useful to show for it. So here is a top five things to do in Latin America.

1. Hang on in Salar de Uyuni, Bolivia. Incredible. For $80 you can spend three days tearing round salt plains, mountains, turquoise lakes full of flamingos, mud volcanoes and deserts at 5,000m in a 4WD. If you're lucky you'll have a driver called Beko who between nodding off listens to 90s Eurohouse and tells you how it's all in the Bible - something to do with Noah's Ark. I think this really was the most amazing, surreal, absurd thing I've ever done.

2. See some old stuff in Mexico. I wonder if they need any UK civil servants there. What an incredible country - the best ruins in Latin America, crazy old colonial cities and churches, and street food that goes in one end and straight out the other.

3. Faff about in Panama. Until that conman canoeist rumbled it, I think Panama must have been Latin America's best kept secret. Apart from the possibilities for kidnap or murder, it's got everything a tourist could need - coffee mountains, Caribbean beaches, desert islands, colonial charm and some pretty cool forts and things. Bocas del Toro must have the best beaches in the Caribbean, and Panama City has a colonial centre to rival Habana, but without the relentless hassle. Until I got to Panama I thought that Captain Morgan was a rum and Francis Drake was probably a nice enough chap. Turns out they were both bastards.

4. See Cuba. Apparently you should do this "before Castro dies" but I'd wait until he's long gone. I've never met people so downbeat, weary and bitter in my life. Depressing. But incredible music, beaches, culture, history. And occassionally the people were quite nice. Occassionally.

5. Stumble round Torres del Paine. Great when the sun shines, unbearable when the rain sets in. What more could you want. Maybe a warm bed.

I could think of some other top fives too, for example my top five ruins (Palenque, Chan Chan, Macchu Pichu, Tikal, Pisac) or cities (Rio, Mexico City, Cartagena, Bogota, Buenos Aires) but I think it'd start getting tedious. Or perhaps that's more tedious. Latin America was incredible, and I want to go back, but it's nice to have some home comforts. Speaking of which, the cricket calls...