Tall tales

I´ve sailed all my life, but I don´t really enjoy it. I went to one of those public schools where everyone learns to sail. But, in my line of work, it comes with the territory. Ibiza, Mexico, Guatemala, the States and now Colombia. I go where the opportunities are and develop them. I think I´ll head to Nicaragua next, just off the Mosquito coast.

I´ve been overboard a few times. Once when I was out with friends. They were too busy looking at some whales, while I slipped off the other side. I floated in the ocean for an hour until a passing ship saw me and picked me up. Not happy. The other time was when I was hit by the boom in the middle of a tropical storm. I stumbled and fell, but as I thrashed in the water I reached up and just caught the end of my dinghy, which was tied behind the yacht. I hauled myself aboard - safe.

Speaking of whales though. The number one cause of boats sinking? Whales. Huge whales will throw themselves on board and flip the boat. I shit you not.

I used to work out in Ibiza, one big party out there. I´d organise deep sea fishing trips for tourists. We never caught anything, but I was a pro at getting folk on board. It´s all about psychology. I´m a great fisherman though. I used to fish for tuna - monster fish, 700 pounders. The thing with a fish that big is that you can´t sell it, cos it´ll depress the fish market and the local fishermen lose out. So I´d sell them to the fisherman at a cut price, then everyone´s happy.

Working Central America is harder though. A lot of corruption out here, and everyone is out to get a piece of you. Some of them just need to be killed. I know that sounds bad but, you see, I studied criminology and I used to interview murderers. And they´re usually the good guys. You have to be pretty fucking bad to someone to drive them to murder you.

So I always carry a weapon. On this boat I´ve got a harpoon gun and a German rocket launcher. The launcher´s for attracting attention though. It´s set to go off at 200 metres so it wouldn´t be much use in a fight. It´s just rattle around until it blew up. I really need to get a machine gun. There´s a lot of pirates round here. An AK or an M-16.

When I ran the lottery in Canada, I always carried a Colt 0.45 in my kevlar briefcase. One time I heard that a gang was coming after me, so I bought a shotgun and drove round the town with it in the front seat. So they´d know not to shit with me. But then I thought, how do I know this even works? So I took it out to a farmer´s field to try it out. But just as I was getting ready to fire, I heard a scream behind me. I span round and shot. It was an eagle. A split second later and it would´ve got me. It limped round until I finished it off.

But hey, robbery´s the way to go. That´s how I´m going to retire. I´m 60 now, and in 15 years I´ll make one big hit on a bank. If I get away with it then I win, if they catch me then I get free bed and board. I´ve got my eye on a great little prison in Vancouver. Right on the ocean with its own vegetable garden.

You know, I´ve been running this Panama to Colombia thing too, taking backpackers. But it´s hard work. One time some kid invited a drug dealer on board. I won´t have anyone on by boat that´s not invited. I went to get my knife, but luckily they got him off again before I got back. It´s trouple now though, cos the gangs in San Blas think I´m running drugs. That makes me a target. A similar thing happened out in Tayrona last year. I took a German guy out on a private charter and within an hour he´s coked up to the eyeballs, powder all over him like Scarface. He passed out, so we took him back to his place. Next day, he´s going round town saying that I stole his drugs. Now they´ll be after me as well.

Yeah, Latin America´s tough. And there´s too many streetkids. All in gangs and robbing and dealing drugs. They should be killed, like they´re doing in Guatemala. I agree with that. One time, when I was running a resort in Belize, my guests were being hassled by a gang of kids. So I took to the jungle after them. I tracked them for five days, with my bow and arrow, setting traps. On the fifth day I caught them, and said "I don´t care what you do to other people, don´t fuck with my people." And they didn´t. That´s the language they respect.

But overall, I think that the catapult is the best weapon. It´s easy to carry, it packs a punch, and it´s non-lethal. One time, some guys tried to kidnap me in Honduras. But thanks to my catapult I got away. The next day everyone was shouting my name. Even the ones who tried to abduct me.

Oh, and don´t talk to me about women. They expect you to pay maintenance even when they said they were on the pill. My kids are well looked after. And women hold everything you say against you. Mark my words - we´ll regret the day we gave them equal rights.


At about this point, there was a huge thud, a shake and then silence. John, our obnoxious, misogynist, sociopathic serial fantasist/ boat captain had talked so much he´d run us aground. Two hours later we got free, with the help of half a dozen locals in two other boats, and back to Cartagena. But he´d made me realise that everyone who lives on a yacht is fucking nuts, and not just the lunatic Italian who´d taken us from Panama to Colombia.

In Popayán in Southern Colombia right now, plan to head to Ipiales on the border with Ecuador tomorrow. I like Colombia a lot. Cheap and wholesome food, great coffee, amazing scenery, loads of history, stunning women and Marxist guerrillas. You need months to do it justice and I´ve only had time to dip my toes in the water. When I come back I´ll jump in.