Comrade Tony

Well nearly two weeks later and Mr Tony Writes Again. I've spent the last eight days in the People's Democratic Republic of Laos - my second "people's" dictatorship, after Cuba, and like Cuba it's not a place that puts the internet near the top of its priorities. Damn those Marxists and their modems. So I've waited till now, the Kingdom of Cambodia, before writing.

The republic of the people was a pretty special place. After a month in Thailand I was quite happy to leave, and so crossed the Mekong in the far north to a dirt-poor little village surviving on tourists like me. Spent the next two days floating down the same river to Luang Prabang, a beautiful World Heritage city of French colonial grandeur and extravagant Buddhist architecture, before making my way to Vientiane - probably the most chilled out, liveable capital city that I've ever been to.

But the incredible thing about the place wasn't the scenery or the history or the culture. I think Thailand's probably got more of all of those. It was the people. I'm a jaded old cynic these days, but I couldn't get over how friendly the people were. And this is a one-party state, where if you criticise the government you go to jail, there's a low-level civil war going on across the north of the country, and most rural people (ie most everyone) live on less than $2 a day. If I was them I'd hate tourists, particularly ones who spend most of their time getting drunk, taking magic mushrooms and watching bootleg DVDs in bamboo-neon bars (which covers most all of the tourists). Instead, everyone is really, really nice. The nicest country that I have ever been to.

Maybe the government/ party puts them up to it.

Pretty odd communists too. Shell, that Anglo-Dutch paragon of uber-capitalism, runs most of the filling stations and proudly flys the hammer and sickle; army apparatchiks drive round in flash cars in the capital; healthcare and tertiary education are effectively privatised. But I still had some qualms about travelling there; unlike a few people I met, who (bizarrely) have "boycotted" going to the US but apparently have no problems travelling in a country with one of the worst human rights records in the world. So at least I'm not a hypocrite, eh.


Anyway I have to dash. Next time I'll try to write something more interesting. But just before I go, if you ever wondered what Thai boxing looks like, the show for the tourists is a little bit like this.


(Meanwhile, I see that this blogging business is getting more and more problematic. Maybe I should "start a debate" too...)

Scoot

"I'm sorry. I want your money. But you must protect the body." She was quite insistent.

Then she added, "But you can have a bicylce for a dollar. Good exercise."

This wasn't what I'd expected. All around me, farang (foreigners) have been whizzing around on mopeds with little regard for their or others' enlightenment. A wobble and a spin away from reincarnation. But the woman in the shop wouldn't let me hire one. All because I told the truth and said that I'd never ridden a moped before.

"But there's lots of traffic." [You should see Camberwell, I thought.] I explained again that I wanted to go for a little scoot up to Doi Suthep, about 16km away from, and 800 metres above, Chiang Mai. Even if it wasn't 36 degrees I still wouldn't cycle it. But this lady wasn't for turning.

I'd have to change my plans.

But then I found this little gem online, and hatched a simple plan. Lie. So I found a different shop and I was off - a fun little day out in the cool highlands, round a couple of temples, and then down into a little tribal village. I think it must've been a tribal village, cos there were busloads of tourists getting in and out of their air-conditioned havens, taking photos of people with funny hats.

Riding a moped's good fun actually. I think I'm hooked. My mum will be so happy.

And it's really easy too. Wikianswers got it right, here:

Question - How do you drive a moped?
Answer - Get on it.

Reasons to be cheerful

There are a lot of monks. They smoke, they listen to i-pods, they text each other, they hang around in groups, shaven headed, wearing the same gang colours, some even have tattoos. In fact I'm afraid of Thai monks. I worry that one day I'll turn round and see eight of them chasing me, in some horrific twist of Dom Joly's Trigger Happy TV. Nirvana'd to death by a mob of enlightened skinheads.

I never thought that I'd be scared of Buddhists. After all I've lived with a life-size buddha (and several smaller ones) for over ten years now. I'm sure they're mostly harmless, but I can't help thinking that it points to a deeper malaise. Thailand's a buddhist country. It calls itself the land of smiles. The tourist police's motto is "Serving and protecting with a smile". You think it'd practice some loving kindness.

So I was a bit surprised to learn that the Thai prime minister visited Myanmar (Burma) the other day and said that he "respected" the leadership there - because he's met the generals, and found out that they meditate.

Well that's alright then. Maybe it's not that hard for practicing buddhists to also be genocidal dictators. After all, if you believe that all existence is suffering, and all suffering is caused by ignorance, then what odds if you kill a few illiterate farmers?

I'm probably being a bit naive though. I expect that a buddhist travelling in the west would be amazed that christian countries could fetishise war, or ignore the poor, or vilify immigrants for that matter (that's the problem with Samaritans - coming over here, taking our jobs...)

But I probably need to be careful what I say. Apparently the "Civil Serf" blogger was from DWP. Hope they don't close down Mr Tony's Adventures too...

Love you long time

So I've landed on Planet Bangkok, finger still attached, and managed to negotiate the local buses to my new pad. Like the old man that I am I've ended up about 10km from the action of the Khao San Road, but mainly cos tomorrow I go to the Indian Embassy - just round the corner - and try to get a visa to visit their fine country. It'll cost me about $100 and take five days. I think I might just go to Nepal instead.

Even though I'm on the other side of town, there's still plenty of space for the ubiquitous Thai massage joint. I think that the neon-lit, dingy places here may be a bit different to the open-air, palm-fringed ones on the southern islands. Only one way to find out, I suppose.

Sad to leave the islands though. Very very touristy, maybe the most touristy place that I've ever been in my life. Whole islands that weren't even inhabited twenty years ago and now only exist as stops on the (mostly Swedish) tourist trail. Of course I can't really cast the first stone, in fact I quite like tourists. But down south it's pretty easy to forget that you're in a foreign country, let alone one where most people have to do things like queue up to by tickets for a bus, or speak Thai.

It reminds me a bit of Cuba - where you're (voluntarily) insulated from the real world and you almost believe that everything works really well, cos everything works really well if you're a tourist. Of course the difference is that in Cuba the people are really moody (so would I be) whereas here they're mostly really sound. Except for whoever nicked my flip-flops the other day. And of course here they're living a corporate capitalist dream, whereas in Cuba they enjoy the corporate socialist one.

But anyway. I am sad to leave the islands. Beautiful places and maybe the last beach/ snorkelling action for a few years. Also the best place to watch English-language movies, with subtitles that have been translated back into English via Thai. My favourite was the new Rambo movie, where the line "I've seen some shit but I've never seen this" became

"Collapse puply mother, collapse here freely"


PS. I wasn't quite right about Malaysia, but almost...

Malaysia decides...

Popped through Malaysia last week, where it's election time in the former British colony. As usual I was naively surprised at how democracy (often) works in the developing world.

The government party, Barisan Nasional, has wasted no time in draping every public building with their flags, while officials from museum workers to policemen walk round with little blue Barisan stickers. On the ferry from Penang, a beautiful little island and former base of the East India Company, I picked up a copy of The Star, Malaysia's leading English language paper. Headlines from the first eighteen pages included:

Four years of success - [President] Abdullah talks of achievement-filled first term in office

Showing their gratitude - Tanjung Piai folk travel in huge numbers to support Ong

Better years ahead for Penang - [government party] Barisan wants to value add to achievements

Page 18 featured the first story on the opposition, "Disaster if Anwar is PM". The next one, on page 20, alleges the opposition had cloned 118,000 voter registrations.

Malaysia maybe wasn't the most exciting destination, but the history in Penang and Malacca was incredible, tangible, and the diversity across the west coast more pronounced than maybe anywhere in the world. Chinese, Malay, Indian, European; Buddhist, Tao, Hindu, Muslim, Christian; all sharing the same place, worshipping freely and just getting on with their lives. No talk of cricket tests here.

But then, I don't speak Malaysian... I expect that the opposition will win the election, or Barisan will rig it, and everything will kick off...


Thailand couldn't be more different. Well I suppose it could, it could be pebble beaches and grey skies. But it's very different. My plans for rock climbing and base jumping have been scuppered by my dislocating (then relocating) a finger after slipping on a very unspectacular rock. I now have a little splint and wear a white glove when I swim. Like a backpacking Michael Jackson.

Nice beaches though, and compared with collapsing my lung in London or getting MRSA in Wales, I couldn't be in a better place to sit around and take painkillers.

Bye for now.